A Break from Progress: Meditations on Self-Doubt
I watched this video recently on instagram of Greta Gerwig saying writing is the most painful thing in her process. She talked about having all these voices in her head saying everything she writes sucks and she’d say “just wait” and then everything would suck anyway, but eventually she’d write and write and write until she got to something kinda good.
I feel that.
I deeply feel that.
The part about sucking, that is. I don’t think I’m at the kinda good part yet. Maybe it’s the voices though. Maybe the monologue I’ve been hammering away at for nearly a week could actually be kinda good, I have no idea. I do know, for a fact, that none of it feels good.
All of this “making art” stuff is really painful because it’s a constant battle convincing myself that I have something special and good enough to keep at it. Telling myself I have something worth developing is REALLY difficult, because nobody wants to put work into something that sucks. Because what if it sucks all the way until the end? What if it was a bad idea from the beginning and doomed from the start and I should’ve put my energy into something that would actually improve my life instead of a piece of garbage art made by a garbage person with garbage taste and garbage abilities?
…
Ok after writing that last bit I got up and did some stretches and talked to someone I love and I feel a bit more optimistic.
Garbage art is still art.
I think about when I was younger and I drew pictures of abstract shapes in heavy lines of crayon wax and added glitter in spontaneous places. I made art because the act of creating actually felt good. And it still feels good when I stop fighting with my inner critic every step of the way. Instead of fighting with my critic, I want sit down with my inner child. We’ll share glitter glue and draw hearts on everything and paint with my favorite colors, and create art because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do. So I keep doing it. And maybe all this monologue needs is some glitter.
